Sunday, 30 November 2014
Note - I realise that I've misspelt 'Gollum'.
Okay, so..I've seen the 3 LOTR films. I quite like them. I like the first 2 movies, the third movie...I'm not so much a fan of. And it's down to one thing - the betrayal that is involved at some point. It's quite interesting that I'd dislike a movie based on one moment in the film. Like, I felt so strongly about it, that I decided to avoid watching the movie at all. Anyway, I'm bringing this up because the third movie, I watched it on tv the other day.
It was really interesting. I saw that it was going to be on tv, and I felt an immediate aversion. Like, I really know what to expect of the film. Anyway, through writing, I've realised that to avoid a movie because of a point which I am basically avoiding as to avoid facing certain points, that is a mistake. So, I watched the film all the way through, it was cool, but yes, I did still feel the same way as I had when watching the movie in earlier instances.
Okay, so.......it's basically the part/parts where Golem, Frodo and Sam are journeying ever closer to Mordor to burn the ring..one ring to rule them all. And in the third movie, maybe a quarter/halfway through the movie, Golem attempts to trick Frodo into seeing Sam as 'the bad guy'. And Golem succeeds. One part in particular, where Golem takes the bread out of the bag and makes the scene look very much NOT in Sam's favour, Golem makes the scene look like Sam had basically eaten the last of the bread. Golem does this while Frodo and Sam are both sleeping, thus unsuspecting.
So, Sam has these bread crumbs all over him, and the bread itself was thrown off the cliff by Golem. As a means of saying that Sam ate the last of the bread, and the bread crumbs are a dead give away to Sam's lack of care for Frodo/only caring for himself. Frodo believes this. Because well...Frodo and Sam then both wake up. I think that Sam goes to look for the bread for Frodo perhaps, and realises that the bread is missing. Sam suspects that Golem is the cause. Sam was rather wise from the start, he knew Golem was up to tricks from the start.
So, after Sam basically goes after Golem with the mindset that Golem basically threw away the bread or perhaps ate it himself (even though Golem does not actually like the bread) Frodo then intervenes, and stops Sam from attacking and hurting Golem, Frodo defends Golem. Which actually I realise now does make sense...I mean, Golem has been leading Frodo and Sam towards Mordor. So, Frodo would THINK/HOPE that Golem was NOT leading them astray/taking them on a 'dodgy' path towards Mordor, albeit, Frodo was deceived.
So, Frodo, well actually......Golem first sees the crumbs on Sam, I mean obviously Golem knew the crumbs were on Sam, as Golem was the one who places the crumbs expertly onto Sam! Golem shows Frodo the crumbs on Sam, and Frodo immediately suspects Sam as the culprit of the suspicious missing bread. Frodo validates this by saying that Golem does in fact dislike the bread, and thinks that Golem would never even touch the bread, let alone eat it.
SO, from there, Frodo turns against Sam. That is what I felt strongly about. I find it very interesting! So basically, I'm reacting to the fact that Frodo can just 'disregard' the 'loyalty' and disregard his best pal, Sam. He trusts in Golem so much, that Frodo just....rips apart a friendship. Anyway, so Frodo tells Sam to go home, and Sam is crying, Sam feels betrayed. Sam knows the truth, but Frodo does not, which is interesting...Golem is so powerful in a sense that he is very conniving and deceiving, he had the ability to trick Frodo into seeing Sam as the enemy, when in fact Golem himself was the only 'enemy' Golem himself was the culprit of the missing bread, and thus 'ruining' the friendship of Sam and Frodo, although, later on when in a cave with Golem, Frodo realises his mistakes, and he realises that Golem was 'evil' and that Sam was correct.
So yeah, this whole saga/scene/scenario 'hit close to home' for me. Lol actually..this is rather funny, but just now I had the memory of how when I was in class with a group of about 20 people, well......we were all sat down on the floor and watching a movie or something, not sure exactly, or perhaps we were being read a story..anyway......my best mate at that time, he let out some gas, lol. Everyone in the class gasped, "Ew!" they said. I knew at the time it was my best mate, as I was sitting right next to him, and immediately, he put the blame on me! Lol. I was convicted of farting. Lol. I remember feeling betrayed. My best friend did not take responsibility for the fart. And, everyone ended up seeing me as the culprit lol.
I was hesitant in writing about THAT. Because I deem flatulence as 'gross'.
Okay, so next time...I'll write about that memory of betrayal that I felt when in proximity of the class/my best mate, and forgive myself.
And also after that, forgive myself for my seeing of flatulence as 'gross' lol.
Until next time..
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Since I got my driver's license, I've always felt quite 'nervous' when I for instance drive past a cop car. Or....basically, whenever I see a cop car on the roads that is in my vicinity while I'm driving. It's like "Shit.......I hope I'm not doing anything to deserve being fined or locked up in jail." I mean come on, I somewhat have a right to be 'nervous' especially as one can get 'done' by cops for the most pointless reasons in existence. Number plate slightly covered? That's a $150 dollar fine, thank you.
I haven't been caught for a slightly hidden number plate, or pulled over for speeding. I mean, I see no point in speeding. Why put myself/other road users at risk? Pointless. I've not even been pulled over to be checked for alcohol intake/drugs intake, which I'm a bit surprised about since I've had my license for a few years and am on 'P' plates - And 'P' platers have a reputation, so to speak.
Got a few parking fines, that's about it, they end up costing a fortune, anyway. But anyway....I was driving home today, and there was a truck parked in my lane up ahead. And thus I had to drive into the oncoming lane to get past that truck. I did so, as I saw no cars approaching from that lane, drove past the truck, and I saw a cop car in that oncoming lane, just as I was passing the parked truck. That cop was driving quite fast I might add...guess speed limits don't count for them.....
And as I got back in my rightful driving lane, I did panic somewhat. I always have this feeling if I'm passing a cop...such as.......I mean, I basically think "Fuck, they're going to do a u-turn and come after me!" I mean, it's crazy that I even feel it necessary to react this way. Why do I feel this way? I go back to what I said earlier, cops, police authority can fine a person, pull over a person for almost anything these days. Any excuse to take our money! They don't care, they're just 'doing their job'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear cop cars in all ways, shapes and forms.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being fined/pulled over by a cop for some unknown reason.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within a fear of cops, which has been brainwashed into me as to fear the 'law' and fear 'what they can do to me' rendering me helpless and 'weak' because of the POWER that 'authorities' have over me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see cops as 'better than me' and more powerful than me, just because they are the 'law'.
When and as I see myself seeing a cop car/driving past a cop car, or a cop car is driving behind me, and I FREAK OUT, I stop and breathe. I realise that as long as I'm driving within suggested speed limits and know that I'm abiding the law, I have NO reason to freak out or panic - thus, I commit myself to drive carefully and appropriately as I always do, no matter what sort of car is behind me/beside me/that I see, cop car or regular car.
I commit myself to drive for myself and other road users in terms of being careful/considerate of other road users, and not 'change' the way that I'm driving if a cop car/cop comes into view whatsoever.
Sunday, 23 November 2014
Jee, I've had an aversion to blood for as long as I can remember. I've just always felt 'queasy' at the sight of blood. Whether it be on tv, in books, whether it's videos or images, just the sight of blood makes me feel uneasy. I can't remember an exact/specific moment/memory when I realised that blood was not my forte. But, there have many occasions in which I've almost felt like passing out due to my inability to 'handle' seeing blood in any way, shape or form.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear blood.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through brainwashing/advertising, see blood as 'disgusting' and 'wrong' and thus feel uneasy and ill when and as I see blood in any way, shape or form.
When and as I see myself seeing images/videos of blood and considering the blood as 'not normal', I stop and breathe. I realise that although generally the sign of blood means 'something is wrong', that blood is in fact apart of each human and each animal within existence.
When and as I see myself viewing inner organs of my human body as repulsive, I stop and breathe. I realise that my inner organs are what makes me, ME. I realise that my inner organs are what keeps me living, and that they are what physically assists me to keep going in this world.
When and as I see myself seeing surgeries on tv and being repulsed by blood/inner organs of humans when and as they are being cut up etc, I stop and breathe. I realise that surgery is sometimes necessary to give the body further capabilities to live, and to survive, and thus, I commit myself to see my inner organs/blood as my equal, as it is me, in each breath, I commit myself to not see my inner organs/blood as 'not apart' of me, or something 'extra' which is just 'gross'. I realise that nothing is 'gross', unless I place an attachment of 'grossness' to something, which I have done in reference to inner organs/blood.
When and as I see myself seeing blood/inner organs in any way, shape or form and feeling lightheaded/uneasy/queasy, I stop and breathe. I realise that feeling like that is only possible through my participation within my mind and thus seeing/labelling blood/inner organs as 'gross' or 'disgusting' and thus I realise that through doing so, I manifest feeling lightheaded/uneasy/queasy within my physical body, when in reality, blood/inner organs are clearly NATURAL and apart of ME, and each life within existence, thus it's NOT something to fear or be 'scared' of, it's what helps me and all life FUNCTION within existence.
I commit myself to not see my body from an outside perspective exclusively, I commit myself to not see my body as just skin and hair. I commit myself to not ignore my veins for instance as I type this out, the veins that I can see on my hands. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that all of these things, veins, blood vessels, they are what makes me stay ALIVE. They are not 'gross', they are not unnatural, they are ME, I am THEM - and together, they make me alive. I am alive within the blood vessels, the veins, my inner organs, blood, hair, my skin. These are all mandatory inclusions of my human body and thus I commit myself to see them all as my equal in every way, shape and form, and NOT to 'ignore' any part of myself that I find 'disgusting' otherwise that is thus me living within separation of my OWN body, instead of taking my body as ONE unit, albeit, different parts. Like, my body being different puzzle pieces, and it all coming together to allow me to survive in this world and do what I can do to create an existence that is best for all life, one and equal.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to 'believe' in the '11:11 message' just because of an association it had with Desteni, whereas because I know of Desteni to be the best for all way in which to change myself, that I attached and believed that 11:11 time attachment to Desteni to be true.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate and hang onto the memories of the times when I 'occasionally' saw the 11:11 time, whether it be checking my phone, or looking at the clock - and participating within those memories when and as I saw that the Self & Living page uploaded the artwork at '11:11 pm'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see the 11:11 time as a 'message' from the grave, that being my deceased brother. Within this, I realise that I was HANGING onto a 'dream' and a 'spiritual message' that I had created within myself that I WANTED to believe, but that was in fact just that, a dream, a lie - and a slender hope of 'conversing' with my deceased brother.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise within myself that I was literally WANTING to see the 11:11 time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that those times that I saw the 11:11 time, NOTHING actually CHANGED within myself, in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. I realise that the only thing that 'changed' was that I felt 'happy' and 'shocked' to see the 11:11 time, but nothing actually changed within how I direct myself - because alas that is impossible. Spiritual FAKE messages don't change a person, PRACTICAL awareness and direction ACTUALLY change a person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up in the whole wanting to see the 11:11 message and feeling happy and surprised when and as I saw the 11:11 message, that I completely abdicated myself within my own life and was so fixated on seeing the 11:11 time, that I was 'up with the fairies' participating within a magical and wanting message that did not truly exist AT ALL.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to because of my previous beliefs in God, to 'create' associations to my deceased brother and thus the 11:11 time when I saw that 'it all made sense' when in reality, I was hanging onto something for the sake of it, instead of MOVING ON within my life and DOING THINGS that actually assist me within my life, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT move on and to continue to 'hang onto' self-created messages and 'signs' from my deceased brother.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see the COINCIDENCE occurrences happening when and as I saw the 11:11 time, and seeing the 11:11 time at which time the Self & Living page uploaded some artwork. Thus, when and as I see myself throwing COMMON SENSE out the window to instead want to 'believe' in spiritual messages and signs from the grave or wherever they may be, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to be 'drawn into' religious writings and spiritual writings that associate the 11:11 time with spiritual messages and messages from deceased loves ones and things along the lines of that.
I commit myself to see the 11:11 time if I do so, and NOT react within emotions/feelings, as that is me participating again within memories of 'wanting' to see a 'spiritual' message from my deceased brother, instead of BREATHING and realising within myself that the 11:11 time is simply a TIME, just like any other time, whether that be 11:12 or 11:13, whatever it may be.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
11:11 pm....as you can see by the above picture/page that I screen captured from my mobile phone, the new 'Self & Living' page...a photo uploaded by the page...was at '11:11 pm'. I had shared this artwork not long ago, but only had noticed this morning as I was checking out Facebook...that the time this image was uploaded was at 11:11 pm. I used to hold an attachment to the 11:11 time. I was one of those people who saw it as some 'spiritual' awakening sort of message. Perhaps from my deceased brother.
And although I have not for the last few years had any 'attachment' to the 11:11 time, seeing this image, it being associated with Desteni and Sunette - I went 'back' into those thoughts/those memories of maybe it AGAIN being some spiritual message...except I believed myself to accept that THIS time...it held more 'leverage' because it was uploaded by a page associated with Desteni. So, I in turn saw this particular 11:11 time relation as 'perhaps true'...
So, I've been stuck in a polarity whereas I see that "Okay, come on...this is just a simple coincidence." and the opposite being "Wait a minute...maybe this is legitimate! Desteni - 11:11...maybe it's a sign." Lol.
You know, when I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body, I KNOW that it is merely a coincidence. Jee....I've had this thought before actually. I haven't done it myself, but others probably have, like that...people actually WAIT until 11:11, whether it be am/pm, the wait until that time to upload a picture or whatever it may be. That somewhat crossed my MIND. That this Self & Living page, the person uploading the picture waited until it was 11:11, and then uploaded this artwork. Lol...how about no.
I recently replied to someone via text. I saw their message hours later, text back, to see that I replied at 11:11 am. Did I do that on purpose? Of course not. It was an utter coincidence. Although, at the time...I was thinking that the person that I sent that message to, maybe they think that I did in fact wait until 11:11 before replying to them. No, not a chance. That would be like forcing myself to belief in some spiritual message, instead of it happening................spiritually.
Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories of being told that I must socialise more when and as I see or hear the word 'socialise'. Within this, I realise that I've created a fear within the word 'socialise' and thus have reacted in anger when seeing/hearing the word and participating within memories of being told that I must socialise more and that I don't socialise enough by my parents.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the blame on my parents and seeing them tell me that I must socialise more/I don't socialise enough, as damaging to me as a person. I realise that as I saw what they said to me as 'damaging' that I was in fact participating and playing as the victim character where I failed to take responsibility for the way in which I 'took' the words from my parents, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within anger when and as I heard that I must socialise more/I don't socialise enough when spoken to me by my parents.
When and as I see myself seeing the word 'socialise' or hearing about the word or, seeing the word 'socialise' in ANY context and I thus see myself reacting within anger as I participate within memories of being told that I don't socialise enough/I must socialise more, I stop and breathe. I realise that my parents just wanted to see me 'happy' and didn't want me to be a 'social outcast'. I realise that they were only attempting to encourage me to hang out with friends, as they anticipated that spending time with my videogames only would not be healthy for me as a person, which is common sense - it's important to find a balance.
When and as I see myself fearing that I don't socialise 'enough', I stop and breathe. I realise that as long as my starting point is 'clear', that I don't have to 'fear' or 'worry' about socialising at a 'certain' amount - that as long as I'm 'cool' with who I am in the moment, then there's no reason for me to socialise for the sake of socialising - thus it's to do what I want to do, but to make sure my starting point is clear and valid.
I commit myself to see/hear the word 'socialise' in any way, shape or form, and NOT react to it within anger. I thus commit myself to not see/hear the word 'socialise' and participate within memories of my parents instructing me to socialise more/that I don't socialise enough - I commit myself to LET GO of those memories, and to thus continue on with my life in the PRESENT, and so that I can focus on the NOW, and enjoy the moment/each moment at hand that I partake in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel 'pressure' to 'perform' at a certain standard when socialising with friends, and seeing/thinking that I must be PERFECT with them and keep them occupied and make sure that 'they are having the time of their life' to prevent them from getting 'bored' and potentially not wanting to hang out with me again. I commit myself to change my 'personal' definition of socialising as 'needing to meet certain standards when socialising' to instead 'hanging out with people, friends or not - whoever it may be' as that is what socialising is, no strings attached and thus no 'standards' need to be met.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
I wrote about this in a recent entry, but I have to write about it more and deeper. And dissect it moreso. It's definitely in relation to my parents constantly telling me that I must socialise more. That is like....vivid in my memory. Vivid to a point where if I see the word 'socialise' or any word associated with socialising, I react. I react through participating with this memory, or rather..the memories - the constant memories of being told that I don't socialise enough with friends, that I thus spend too much time alone, too much time in my room - and it made me feel as if I was a social piranha. I actually realise now that it was rather 'damaging' to me. Of course, at the time.....that is how I saw it. I mean, I hated being told that I didn't socialise enough, that I spent too much time in my room, whether it was using my laptop or playing videogames. I enjoyed doing those things, but I was reminded daily that I must 'come out more'. I always rather play on my Playstation 3. Or socialise 'online' with others.
And when in scenarios where I was socialising with friends/people, I felt this 'pressure' to 'perform' to a certain standard. At the time, I thought this 'standard' was because of my parents' insistence of me to socialise more, but I realise now that the pressure that I felt was self-applied, I created it. Same with the standards. I conjured them up and participated within wanting to reach a certain standard of socialisation. And I was constantly angry with myself because I never felt like I reached the standards that I was capable of. So I always felt like I wasn't 'good enough' when with friends. I always wanted to make friends think that spending time with me was 'a great time'. So...instead of enjoying those moments with friends, I was participating in pressure moments the whole time, whereas I was constantly having backchats of needing to come up with 'cool' things to do with my friends. I was so weary of my friends being 'bored' when hanging out with me. But, I realise now, it's impossible for me to enjoy the MOMENT, if I am going back and forth with my mind, like an arm wrestle, trying to meet certain expectations and only looking to make sure that my friends were having fun when with me. I can't enjoy myself/my time with others if I'm abdicating myself and my own enjoyment.
So, this is what I'm going to forgive myself for. My reactions towards the word 'socialise'. That being within the starting point of my reactions from being told to socialise more with others by my parents.
To be continued.
Friday, 14 November 2014
I've noticed this a few times. I basically fear being labelled as a 'loner'. I live in an apartment-house type of thing, where there is 14 bedrooms. Just outside my bedroom door, is a 'games' area. There is a table tennis table, a pool table, and one of those soccer/football table's. For anyone to use. I was having a voice call with a friend on Skype, when I then decided to wash some dishes so that I could then use those dishes, the clean dishes...to make something to eat.
Albeit, I stopped in my tracks. I heard 2 males outside of my bedroom door. They started playing table tennis. At this time, I had decided to lie on my bed as a means to stay 'quiet'. I had already made the situation somewhat 'awkward' by my own free will. I'm not sure if they knew I was in my room or not, do they even care? Why do I even care..? I think it was someone that lives at the apartment, and a friend of his. They played table tennis, then pool. An hour later, they stopped and went downstairs. All the time, I had stayed quietly in my bed, not making a peep. Thus, I was sort of hoping that they thought I was not in my room. I was fearing that they thought that I was a loner because I was in my room, instead of socialising with others, as they were doing with eachother.
Which is admittedly insane. This and other occasions go to show that I still fear judgments from others, and let go of the grip of directing myself and thus my actions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled as a 'loner' just because of me being in my room by myself, instead of socialising with others in person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to literally STOP what I was doing/wanted to do, and instead change my plans, and do what I did NOT want to do, by lying in my bed and staying QUIET - as a means of acting like my presence was 'unknown' - through my fear of being seen/labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise my position/wants by staying 'quiet' - instead of going outside of my room, into the kitchen, washing my dishes and making something to eat.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'not be myself' by suppressing myself literally by attempting to make myself 'disappear' through the act of being quiet and thus non-existent.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself and facing my responsibilities by basically waiting until the heat wore off, in this case..waiting for the 2 males to be out of the games room, before I got out of bed/did what I had originally wanted to do.
When and as I see myself stopping myself from physically moving to do what I had planned on doing out of a fear of being labelled as a 'loner' when hearing others in my vicinity, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's up to me to do what I want to do with myself/my life, and it is not anybody else's choice/decision. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I must spend every waking second of my life socialising with others in person, or be labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person being alone/keeping to themselves/doing their own thing as them being a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define social happenings with others in person as the ONLY way that one can 'live' and the only way that one can 'improve themselves'. Within this, I see, realise and understand that this is simply not the case - I realise that writing IS my key to improving myself into what is best for all life, and that 'living' is what I am doing, regardless of the amount that I socialise with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang onto the words of my parents in saying that 'I must socialise more'. And thus, have allowed and created a fear within myself of 'not socialising enough' with people, and thus fear being labelled as a 'loner' - like there is something 'wrong' with me/not 'normal'.
When and as I see myself participating within memories of being told by my parents that I must socialise more, I stop and breathe. I realise that according to them/their perceptions, in person socialising is what alters a person to being more confident/happy - within this, I realise that I've proven that theory 'incorrect', as I have noticed ACTUAL change within myself through WRITING, in which I do in my OWN time/by myself.
I commit myself to do what I want to do.
I commit myself to not stop what I am doing/want to do out of a fear that I participate in whereas I fear being labelled as a 'loner' by others through me not socialising with others in person, and instead keeping to myself/doing my own thing.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that SELF-CHANGE comes from WRITING - which I have seen/proven time and time again. Within this, I see, realise and understand the importance of making sure my writings have transferred into my physical being by engaging myself in physical/in person situations with others that I know/don't know, to know that I have changed within my physical body, through my writings.
Thursday, 13 November 2014
A while ago I had just gotten onto the train and I sat down. A few moments later, I heard somebody listening to electronic music, like, dance music, that one would hear in clubs. I looked over to expect a 'young' person to be there, listening to this electronic music through his/her earphones - but I was shocked to see an elderly person, with rather large headphones, listening to this electronic music. I noticed a few others giving this elderly person some 'glares'. Basically glares of confusion, as I'm sure that they, as well as I, did not expect to see an elderly person listening to electronic music. Hell, I wouldn't even expect to normally see an elderly person on a train listening to any music with earphones/headphones, albeit, even knowing how to function an iPod/mp3 player/portable music playing device.
So, after my prior shock, I ended up realising it was cool. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. It was cool that the elderly person was listening to the music in which he liked to listen to. But of course, within myself, I'd be expecting him/an elderly person generally to be listening to something more along the lines of.....Mozart, perhaps. Or, the Beatles. But even within that, with the Beatles, you know...I like listening to the Beatles. That is interesting in itself as well. I think older folk would be surprised that I/'younger' people would enjoy listening to the Beatles. So - it's interesting how depending on what music that era came from, we have preconceived notions of what age group might/might not actually like/not like.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with shock when seeing that the person that was listening to the electronic music was in fact NOT a 'younger' person, but was in fact an elderly person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define electronic music as being ONLY listenable by 'younger' people, and within this, judging electronic music as 'off limits' to 'older' people.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deem age group appropriate listening depending on what era the music was originally from, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that music holds no boundaries to whatever the age a person actually is.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only expect something 'classic' like Mozart to be listened to be an elderly person.
When and as I see myself defining music from different eras to only certain specific demographics, I stop and breathe. I realise that music is universal and can thus be listened to be anyone of any age of any gender or race - with no boundaries whatsoever.
I commit myself to not judge anyone for listening to a specific type of music.
I commit myself to not judge an elderly person for listening to electronic music.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I'd not 'care' that a 'younger' person listened to 'older' music such as the Beatles, thus there's no reason for me to 'care' that an 'older' person listens to 'newer' music that is electronic.
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hear accents that I'm unfamiliar with, and judge them as 'unusual' on the basis that I am not used to hearing different accents/the accent is not the 'typical' accent - as I live in Australia.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'glance' at the direction of the accent that I hear, to see WHO is speaking with the said accent.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see all accents as equal accents and thus equal people who are 'behind' those accents. I realise that different accents does not change who a person is or how they present themselves/move themselves in the world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be somewhat 'fond' of British accents, and to somewhat 'dislike' American accents. Within this, I realise that in relation to American accents, I've accepted and allowed myself to react within negativity because of all the 'hate' that I see towards American/the American government, and thus I manifest that through seeing/hearing American accents as peculiar/unusual/uninviting and basically to sum those up, as 'uncool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow influences of negative perceptions towards American/the American government/America's richest people to alter the way in which I react to the American accent, by seeing/hearing the American accent as 'not cool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generalise Americans through the 'hate' that I see/hear through news articles/videos that I see on tv/online, and thus generalise the American population only because of the actual Americans that are involved in conspiracies/profit gain/exploitation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that accents don't define a person, and that an accent is dependent simply on where one is born/raised - no other conditions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow preferences towards the British accent, only from the starting point of me not hearing/seeing 'bad' things about Britain/the British government. I realise that ALL governments, one way or another, are formed via corruption/scandals/exploitation - as that is how capitalism works/functions in society.
When and as I see myself reacting when hearing 'different' accents in which I'm simply 'not accustomed to', I stop and breathe. I realise that to have a starting point of generalising people based on corrupt governments is not cool, and completely unnecessary.
When and as I see myself in public and hearing accents that I'm not accustomed to and instantly participating/manifesting backchats that those people 'do not belong', I stop and breathe. I realise that just because I live in Australia, does NOT mean in any way, shape or form that 'other' accents 'do not belong' in Australia, OR are 'not allowed' in Australia. I realise that through brainwashing and advertisements, I've allowed myself to view 'overseas' based accents/people as 'not allowed' to live in Australia, and seeing it as 'unusual' to be in contact with accents that are not 'natural' to Australia.
When and as I see myself defining a person by their accent, I stop and breathe. I realise that an accent only exists because of where a person lives/was born/and/or raised.
I commit myself to see ALL accents as equal to my accent/me.
I commit myself to not hold or allow within myself any prejudice towards accents in which I'm not accustomed to.
I commit myself to not generalise Americans because of hateful things that I see/hear of towards the American government/towards America in general.
I commit myself to stand equal and one with ALL accents and all nationalities and thus all people/animals/things/life in this world - as we are all one and equals.
On the other hand, a group of British people also arrived and sat down near me. Like I said, it's easy for me to know if the said accent is 'different' to what I'm 'used to'. But it was interesting, because although I habitually 'glanced' in the general direction towards the British group, I wasn't as 'moved' towards them as I was when hearing the American accent. And this I realise within myself is because I actually hold different judgements towards the American accent, and the British accent. I kept overhearing the British accent, and I liked it.
It's also interesting though, because...for instance, with American movies. I mean, a lot of movie are American, they contain American actors/actresses. And each time I watch those American movies, I don't see it as unusual or anything. So for me, it was interesting when I expect things in certain scenarios, but don't expect them in others. Those being, I expect to hear American accents when watching movies, but I don't expect to hear American accents when in Australia.
I also realise that I do have negative judgements towards America. Thus that is why I feel that I'm somewhat 'not a fan' of American accents. And that is because of all the hate that I've seen/read towards America - the corruption, lies. But in 90% of those corruption/lies - it's to do with the governments, the 'heads' of companies, the profit-obsessed-rich-folk who don't care for anyone/anything other than making profits of unsuspecting people like you and I. So you know, I read about that, and I realise even within myself, just generally, I have somewhat of a negative stigma/judgement toward Americans because of this. Like, the American government is basically the head of all governments around the world. Obama is basically the leader, him and his partners, they are the rich of the richest around the world.
So, what I'm getting at is that because news stories/videos about corruption/lies/scandals and the like are usually about the American government/American big wigs in the profit driven society that we live in, I've accepted and allowed myself to see America GENERALLY as somewhat of......an 'annoyance' I suppose. But, it's to realise that judgements towards anyone, accents or otherwise is obviously not going to assist me/them/anyone - and within this, I'm also generalising America because of the 'bad' things I hear about the rich ones that leave the 'rest of us' in their wake.
Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
I realised that as I took a selfie of myself while at the beach. It occurred to me that as people were leaving the beach, and as I noticed that everyone near me had left the beach, it was like....."hey, it's selfie time!" lol, well, I thought why not...I felt like taking one. Actually, it was as I checked my photo after getting home/uploading it to Facebook, that I realised that wait a minute....the intention of a selfie and my actual selfie/want to take a selfie only happened when I was basically alone - when none could see me taking a selfie.
I then realised that I allowed myself to meet 'certain conditions' and 'requirements' to take a selfie. Those conditions/requirements being to wait until I was alone. Why? Because I feared being judged by others as self-obsessed. Backchats that run through my mind now and when considering selfies in the past with people in my vicinity, it runs along the lines of me envisioning people saying "What a loser, taking a selfie.." "Talk about obsessive!" "He must love himself" lol, things like that. Those are the judgements I expect from others if I were to take a selfie in public, basically.
So, right then and there, I've given the 'power' to others, to the people in my vicinity. I'm literally allowing them to hold the cards so to speak. I'm not directing myself, I'm allowing others to direct me/dictate what I do. And it's also to realise that hey..they may think that of me, they may say that about me, I may even overhear them saying that about me - that I'm self-obsessed, in love with myself - but it's not about them/what they think of me, it's only about what my STARTING POINT of a selfie is.
I literally only took one selfie. It's not like I did/would chill at the beach and take 50 selfies of myself, while pulling all different faces.....actually, writing that, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing right or wrong with that. It depends solely on the starting point. Having realisations as I write this, always a good sign of self-honesty! It's not like there's some set-requirement of the amount of selfies to take or not take in one sitting. I don't want limits, nobody wants limits. Why limit oneself? 50 selfies, okay..maybe not that many, perhaps 20. It could be to free myself out of a fear of some sort, of pulling 'silly faces' for instance. I could pull whacky faces to get over a fear of mine, to release myself from that fear, and also write it out. Do both. Writing, and the practical.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a selfie of myself in public/when others are in my vicinity and/or not looking at me while doing so.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgements from others as I take a selfie, with backchats of people saying "Talk about obsessive!" "He must love himself." "what a loser, taking a selfie..".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give the 'power' of my responsibility/actions to people that I do not know, or, even if I do know them, just people in general - through giving into a fear, and a fear of judgements from them - thus allowing them to dictate my actions, those being taking a selfie of myself - and them being in my vicinity or not dictating whether I infact take a selfie of myself or not.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at my starting point of a selfie - and to thus realise that as long as my starting point is not 'unhealthy' - unhealthy in terms of a number of things such as being obsessed with myself or being obsessive in other ways - that I do not have to 'fear' judgements from others, Within this, I realise that it's never appropriate to 'fear' judgements from others for taking selfies of myself - and to always thus bring it back to SELF, and write out my own fears/fears of judgements towards my character when and as I see myself taking/wanting to take selfies of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that what others think of me/how others judge me is NOT in my hands in any way, shape or form - and to thus realise that I can ONLY change MY reactions and MYSELF, and how I see situations/myself/others - to realise also that attempting to change another to 'suit' me is a maze that I'll never get out of/win.
When and as I see myself considering/wanting to take a selfie when in the vicinity of others, but stopping and not actually doing so out a fear of judgements from others about what they think of me as I am taking a selfie, I stop and breathe. I realise that to fear judgements from others about actions that I take, taking a selfie, is a fear. Maybe not a HUGE fear, maybe not a 'necessary' fear, but a fear nonetheless - and thus I commit myself to not be detracted by others for means of taking a selfie.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'smiling' when taking a selfie in public.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view 'smiling' in public as 'lame'. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have and react within negative connotations and thus negative energies towards smiling, as I see it as 'posing'.
When and as I see myself wanting to take selfies that look 'neutral' and thus not 'posing', I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to see others that are self-obsessed, including celebrities/models who 'pose' most of the time - and have thus created a negative stigma to posing and seeing it as 'flaunting' for the camera and thus not 'natural'.
When and as I see myself holding my phone to my face and smiling and at the same time having backchats that "I look like an idiot", I stop and breathe. I realise that smiling is natural, and that smiling for the camera is NOT a 'bad' thing, to realise within myself that pulling faces or doing whatever with my mouth is not a 'bad' thing, I realise that I'm limiting myself and the 'expressions' that I can have/achieve by not wanting to pull funny faces or smile - I thus realise that 'neutral' selfies are not the only type of permissible selfies to be had.
I commit myself to smile for the camera if I WANT TO, as my starting point is clear within me, and to thus not fear negative/positive reactions from others in terms of judgements in any way, shape or form, to thus not give 'power' to others in my vicinity by allowing them to dictate my actions and my actions when taking a selfie in any way, shape or form.
I commit myself to direct myself to taking a selfie.
I commit myself to take a selfie no matter who the person/what the person is like/whatever is in my vicinity - as to not take a selfie 'within fear' - fear of judgements from others/things.
I commit myself to not limit my selfies in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to thus not limit myself, or limit my options/expressions when taking selfies. I commit myself 'to have some fun' when taking selfies, to thus not think that I must look 'serious' or 'compelling' to ones that see my selfie.
I commit myself to not allow others to dictate how I should look in a selfie - to thus look how I want to in a selfie/how I choose, without influence of others by means of fear in any way, shape or form.
I commit myself to clearly define my starting point within myself of a selfie.
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Then I was thinking, the impact of one's appearance is absurdly and incredibly vital in society. But of course, it should NOT be. Anyway, as this woman walked away, I was thinking to myself about the reasons as to why so many 'attractive' people have such insanely inflated egos, and think they're 'all that'. Imagine how many compliments they would have received throughout their life, how much others would flirt with them. In a strange way, they have a 'right' to think that they're amazing, that they're great - and it's my fault for that. For each time I talked to someone through intentions of flirtation just because of something as MEANINGLESS as one's appearance.
On the other hand, I was thinking then about all of those people who were unstable about their appearance (this goes for me too) and would not receive compliments, would not get talked to, at least, not for flirtation purposes. Those people, they have a 'right' to be ashamed of their appearance, as, nobody made a 'pass' at them, nobody seemed to be interested in them. I just found that interesting. Hmm. So, instead of treating eachother as an equal, we've boosted selective people's egos, and at the same time, left 'others' in our wake. Those 'others' being the ones that nobody seemed to pay attention to, and that nobody flirted with for instance.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to boost selective egos.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to choose only the ones that I found 'attractive' of being 'worthy' of talking to because of something as meaningless as one's physical appearance. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stand from the starting point of physical appearance being the only factor of whether I talk to someone/hang out with someone.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the people in the past that I have spoken to/flirted with - and thus allowed them to have inflated egos whereas they consider themselves thus better than 'average' people/others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through my selective flirtations with others, brought others 'down' in terms of ignoring them, and acting like I don't care for others who I deem as 'average-looking' or 'not attractive enough'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not treat each person, no matter their physical appearance, as equals, in each way, shape and form.
When and as I see myself having urges to flirt/converse with another from the starting point of physical appearance only, I stop and breathe. I realise that not only am I boosting their mind ego's, but I'm visibly ignoring others' just because of their 'lack' of appearance that I find 'attractive' enough.
I commit myself to when at gatherings, parties, social situations - to NOT talk to someone because of one's physical appearance exclusively, and to instead make sure that my starting point is to ONLY talk with another for purposes of simple conversation, to make friends, to get to know others - in equal consideration in all aspects. At the same time, I commit myself to NOT IGNORE 'attractive' people because I deem that they already 'get' enough attention, and thus ignore them on purpose as my way of not boosting their egos.
I commit myself to talk to all people, anyone, as a way of getting to know someone, and to find out which people have similar interests to me, with a similar starting point of cool conversation.
I commit myself to not flirt my way to get something/someone. I commit myself to realise that a starting point of flirtation only shows another my 'true' colours and my true intentions.
Thursday, 6 November 2014
So, I was conversing with another housemate of mine at the new house that I recently moved into. We were just casually talking outside while he was having a smoke. Suddenly, I exclaimed that 'I need to take a leak.' which if people don't understand, means that I had to pee. Instantly after I said that, I felt somewhat uncomfortable. I knew instantly that using the word 'leak' instead of 'pee' was be being dishonest. That is not 'who I am'. Not saying that using the word 'leak' is vulgar or insensitive, but it's not something that I feel the need to use.
Right, so there are a few factors to this situation.
1. I saw the person I was talking to as 'cool' and 'above' others.
2. I saw the word 'leak' as a 'cool' word. Within this, I saw the word 'pee' as a 'lame' word.
SO, I was basically using the word 'leak' instead of 'pee' because I thought to myself 'What would this person think of me if I were to use the word 'pee' instead of the word 'leak'?
That right there is major overthinking of situation that requires NO overthinking/thinking whatsoever. But, it was all down to me attempting to appear 'cool' - again, as I saw that the other person was 'cool' hence, I had to use 'cool' words when talking to him, otherwise be labelled as 'lame' lol.
So, the first thing I want to forgive myself for here is seeing this person as 'cooler' than others, and 'above' others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define another as 'cooler' than the average person and 'above' the average person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deem another as 'cooler' than the average person because of the way he spoke and the way he presented himself - within this, I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to predetermine people who present themselves 'well' and who speak 'well' as better than others/above others - thus I realise that I'm living and speaking to another within separation, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak to another from the starting point of separation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled as 'lame' or 'uncool' if I were to use the word 'pee' as opposed to the word in which I attached a positive energy to, that being 'leak'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy to the word 'leak'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself through not saying what I WANTED to say, and thus instead, participating within my mind and my mind's desires to want to appear 'cool' or better/above others/the average person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I was talking to a person that I deemed as 'average' and 'not above others' that I would have in fact used the word 'pee' if I needed to excuse myself to use the toilet.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live and talk and say words within inequality, whereas I've been defining others and thus defining my words based on one's appearance/the way in which they present themselves/speak to me.
When and as I see myself defining another as 'cool' or 'average' based on their appearance/how they present themselves/how they speak to me, I stop and breathe. I realise that by doing so, I am directing myself within separation, whereas I am failing to see another and thus all others as equals to me, within this, I realise that I just as they are/all others are life, and do not need to be defined by labels/words.
When and as I see myself entering different personalities/promoting myself as different personalities depending on the person that I'm speaking to, I stop and breathe. I again realise that I am living within separation by doing so, as there is only ONE me, not multiple me's - realising also that there are only multiple me's/personalities if I allow myself to continue to participate within my mind and thus define myself differently based on a person who I'm talking to and thus also defining them in one way or another.
I commit myself to direct myself by using words that I as my physical being/self want to use.
I commit myself to not participate within my mind, whereas I want to be 'seen' as 'cool' or 'above' the average person and thus appear as someone that is better than others - which I realise is separation.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am but ONE person, and thus ONE personality.
I commit myself to not define others/label others in any way, shape or form, as this is separation and that is to fail to see others as my equal in each breath/step that I take as life.
I commit myself to not attach positive/negative energies to specific words and to then use those words in specific/context-specific scenarios which depend on the person I am talking to/the environment that I am in at the time.
I commit myself to BREATHE when and as I see myself considering the 'words' that I should be 'using' and to through breath, bring myself back to my physical body whereas I'm merely but ONE person who uses one set of words, without needing to use specific words to appear as a personality in which I created and am being through my mind.